Jay K.
Before I start, I want to tell you guys that this episode was written about 2 months ago, but unfortunately couldn't be updated becuase CCP blocked blogspot in China. Now I am back in Korea, so free from the Big Bro, will update all my episodes written in China including the last episode of this journal/essay/blog. Please enjoy.
Ep.41 Living in the present
There are more than six billion people living on this planet Earth, but I wonder how many people are actually living in the present, not in the future or past. One of my closest friends in Beijing asked me the question of how one can live in the present. My first instinct reaction was: “What’s so hard about living in the present? I am living in the present.” But more I think about it, I realize that it is not that simple matter.
I am a person who likes to live in the past or the future, but tries to restrain self from escaping from where one actually lives. I love to think about the past and often spends hours recalling memories. That’s also a part of the reason why I like to take pictures. I started to like photography because I liked to document the present and doing so I can remember it forever. How about the future? Few days ago I was just thinking what I should say to my family in my graduation dinner—I am serious. I am not trying hard to escape from the present, those thoughts just come to me naturally and I simply cannot resist them. Why?
[It was a beautiful day at PKU]
My life in Beijing is getting busy and crazy as it gets closer and closer to the end. I am having some problems here and there and they push myself from the present. In other words, I am just complaining that the life is so hard that I want to run away to somewhere. I have too much work to do that I have hardly time for myself. I hate to waste my time for someone else and being nice. I hate to break my own rules and become someone whom I don’t want to be… It will be endless if I tell you every problem I have. These are the reasons why I can’t live in the present, but want to live in the past or the future.
But, if you think about it, was there any time that you didn’t have any problem? No, there wasn’t and won’t be. We can’t live without problems. The life is meaningless without them, although we always try to run away from them. In the grand scheme of things, the problems I have right now are so tiny that it wouldn’t matter at all. Let me ask you. Do you even remember what you worried about a year ago or even six months ago? Problems come and go. For now, it seems that if I don’t resolve it right now it might kill me. However, everything will clear out itself and you don’t need to worry about it too much. Don’t even try to escape to the future of to the past because you fear the problems of the present. They are always there, so you might just as well face them in the present.
You, then, might ask me this: “Yes, the problems of the present might don’t matter, so should I just not worry about them and wait until they go? Isn’t that also not living in the present but is living in the future or somewhere else?” I guess that is a very good question. Of course, I am not telling you to do nothing and wait till everything works out. What I want to say is that if you don’t appreciate the present, the future or the past will never be as valuable.
The past is not as nostalgic and as beautiful if you didn’t have any problem or if you didn’t try anything to solve that problem in the past. You reminisce the past because they are the memories of hardships and your overcoming of them. You might disagree with me and say that your memories of the past are only full of happiness without any worries. If then, you are seriously mistaken. I already told you the fact that problems were always there, it’s just that you erased those painful memories for your own defense mechanism.
I don’t want to get too technical here. I am just saying that you feel the past were more beautiful than the present because you already overcame all the difficulties of the past. I will give you an example to make you understand better. Now I think back of my high school years, I feel it was really nice and relaxing. Yeah, there were some hard times, but it seems to me that in overall it was very pleasant. I feel in this way because the biggest problem during my high school years is resolved in the present: getting into college. I know it is very personal and subjective way of looking at the past, but hey it makes sense.
How about the future? I always tend to live in the future sometimes because it is very tempting. It just seems that the future will be simply so much better than the present. The future seems so bright and hopeful. I cannot help myself thinking about my return to the States and my 4th year in Berkeley. I am sure I will have so much fun there. But I shouldn’t forget that the future is just continuation of the present. What I mean by that is the so-called bright and hopeful future of the past is just the present. Are you having that promising life today, which you dreamed in the past? I am not being cynical here. I am just making a point. If you don’t enjoy now, you will never enjoy anything, because the future you are longing now is only extension of the present.
Unfortunately, the great mankind hasn’t invented a time machine, so you cannot just jump to the future and live in the future. Even if we have, I am sure it will just disappoint you greatly.
I want to tell you a story like how I always do. I guess it was just a year ago. I was set to come to China and I was just waiting for the semester to end and come to China. To be honest, I was having some problems in Berkeley. They weren’t any serious problems. I was just bored living in the same place for two years and I was also skeptical about my current relationship with my friends in Berkeley. I just wanted to run away from the present. I thought, if I left for a year and come back, everything would be naturally solved. I regret that I didn’t enjoy the end of my 2nd year more, because now I miss it a lot. When I get back, some of friends won’t be there anymore because they will graduate this year. I regret that I didn’t spend more time with them.
I haven’t answer to the question yet: how one can live in the present? I am not saying that you shouldn’t think about the future or the past at all. That’s not even possible. It is human nature to fancy the past or the future. But you shouldn’t try to escape from the present. Face it, and enjoy it. Don’t forget that you are not only living in the present, but at the same time, you are also living in the past and the future. The present you are living in right now will be the past in the future and is the future of the past. Despite how troublesome, difficult, and disappointing the present is, you should muddle through and enjoy the craziness of it. Many people are doing something now for the future’s sake. It is true that you need some preparation for the future, but don’t live the present only for the future. Just do it because you feel like it now, not because you are thinking about what will happen later.
I guess this is a long and also short answer for you and for anyone who’s reading this. Are you guys living in the present? If not, please come back. It isn’t that bad to be here; it is quite entertaining actually.
