Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away

The Story of You, Part 2.

Jay K.




Ep.25 Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away.

It’s already the end of the year—arggg, I can’t believe it! In 11 days, it will be the year of 2009!! It is also the end of the semester which means some of my fellow EAP friends are leaving. Some of them are here for only a semester, and that semester is already over. I’ve known them since this summer. Although we didn’t hang out much this semester, I think I saw them at least once every other week.

I was too busy this semester—I guess every college student is busy every semester—so that I always didn’t go out to hang with them. Now I’m regretting. Some of us became really close; I didn’t think we would be this close in this short amount of time. Since we didn’t hang out much this semester, it means that we got really close during the summer, during that 10 weeks program. During that summer, we went to many trips together, and saw each other every morning for four hours in class.



I won’t lie. I will miss them. I will miss them a lot.

I just went to a farewell dinner last night. Noel, Courtney, Alice, and Helen were there. I didn’t talk much last night. I didn’t know what to say. I was just listening to other people. I was bored a little, but at the same time I was sad. I think the summer was long enough for us to get close with each other, but it wasn’t long enough for us to know each other really. It wasn’t at least for me. I sometimes regret that I don’t express myself enough. As you guys know, I am not a talkative guy. So people sometimes don’t know what I think. Because of that, I sometimes get mad at myself. I should’ve talked more.

There are so many words I didn’t say… so many words.

We went to a club after the dinner. I usually don’t go to a club or bar because I don’t drink and I get really tired after midnight. But, last night, I didn’t want to go home early, because it was the last chance to hang out with them in China. The club was extremely crowded—I am in China. The music wasn’t good, but I had fun. I really had fun.

On the way back to home, I was thinking about my first year in college. I remember the last day of the first semester. My floor was completely empty; everyone moved out. Now I think I was really shocked at that time. I can’t forget the image of the empty floor. I wasn’t sad because I would never see them again: I would see them again the next year. I was sad because that same year, that same floor would never exist again. I know how to express that feeling. It’s just that I really had fun during the first year and then I was really depressed about the fact that it would be never the same.

Now, I am used to saying goodbyes. But, last night, it was really hard to say goodbyes to them. I know I will see them again. I didn’t live with them a year like I did with my floormates, but still something just bothered me. So many memories with them! So many words I didn’t say! So much regrets! I think these made me hard to say goodbyes to them.

I guess I am writing stories because I regret. I told you this when I first started to write this essay (that was in May). I am writing this because I regret.

Let’s change the topic now. It’s a Christmas time again, although it’s not an official holiday in China, which means there is no Christmas in China. There are Christmas trees in the department store here and you can listen to carols but it’s just different. It really doesn’t feel like a Christmas here.

I really didn’t understand why people in the States start listening to Christmas carols around this time of year or even earlier. I wasn’t used to that when I first went to the States. But the same me who didn’t understand that last year, bought a Christmas carol CD yesterday. Christmas carols were just lingering around my ears so I couldn’t help myself buying them. I am listening to it right now as I am writing this episode.

My favorite carol is actually Last Christmas. I like that part, “Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away”. It’s a sad lyric, but I like the first part of that line.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

When was the last time I gave my heart to someone? I wonder. Did I ever give my heart to someone? I even wonder more. Whenever I listen to this song, I picture in my head a guy or a girl proposing to his or her special one. How romantic and cute is that? I don’t care if he gets rejected (actually that sucks), he at least expressed his heart. As I grow older, I realized it’s not good to be honest, especially when you like someone. But, at the same time, I just want to be honest and give my heart.

Why am I talking about Last Christmas out of nowhere? You know. I just regret that I didn’t express myself fully to my friends who are living very soon. Like the last night, I regret that I was so quiet whole night. It’s not just the last night, but whole time I was too quiet.

There is a Korean poem that I want to tell you guys. Its title is “I’m asking you”.

I’m Asking You by Ahn Do-hyun

Don’t discard the fire ashes so callously.
Have you ever been that passionate for someone else?

You might don’t understand because this poem is in Korean and my translation is not great, but I think you get the general picture. Give your heart. Don’t save it for one day that never comes. This Christmas, actually I am going to save myself from tears; I am going to give my heart to someone special.

Merry Christmas every one.

Beijing Bicycle

The Story of You, Part 2.

Jay K.



[Welcome to the Bicycle World!]

Ep.24 Beijing Bicycle


Like the title of the last episode, this episode’s title is also coincidentally from a movie. I watched the movie Beijing Bicycle when I was in Berkley, in my Chinese class. I personally didn’t like the movie, but I have to say it is well-made. The movie is about a boy and his cherished bike in Beijing. If I remember correctly, the main story is something like the boy’s bike gets stolen and he tries to get it back. In the movie, it is well portrayed that a bicycle is one of bare necessities to survive in the city of Beijing.


I do like using public transportation. I took subway almost every day in Seoul and in Berkeley I regularly used AC transit. The public transportation system in Beijing is not bad too. However, the problem is there are too many people here. Too many! The public transportation here is really cheap and convenient, but just the level of crowdedness keeps me away from using it. There is no rush hour in China, because every hour is rush hour. Also, due to severe traffic jams, it takes a lot of time riding a bus or taxi to go anywhere. Imagine you get stuck in a traffic jam and at the same time you are in a super crowded bus—you know how annoying that is.



[Bicycles on my campus]



[A guy driving an eletronic bike, saying WTF?]



[During the summer]



[In Shanghai, Shanghai bikers]

After few days I first came to China, I decided to buy a bike. Before coming to China, I didn’t think that I would buy a bike here. However, China is a huge country. One block is so long that you need to walk and walk to get somewhere. If you want to take subway or bus, you still need to walk for a considerable amount of time.

It was really hot this summer, and I couldn’t stand walking streets of Beijing. It was humid, polluted, and hot. So I decided to buy a bike, but not a regular bike. It is a little embarrassing to say that I just learned how to bike during the summer of 2006, which means I can’t bike. The city of Beijing is not a good environment for one like me to bike. It is quite dangerous. There are so many people on streets. There are so many cars. And, there are also so many bikes! More importantly, there is no traffic law (to the American standard).



[The guy who sold my electronic bike checking my bike!]

I already told you guys how I first felt when I was coming from Beijing Airport to my school: Fast and Furious; Beijing Drift. I couldn’t imagine myself biking on the roads in Beijing. So I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to walk around the streets, but also I was afraid to bike. After first few days, I found out that there is a brilliant Chinese invention (along with gun powder and paper) that I didn’t know about before. It was an electric bike. It is like a motorcycle, but rather simple. You use electricity, so you don’t need to buy gas. You can just recharge it like how you recharge your cellphone. It seemed to me that riding an electronic bike is a lot easier than riding a regular bike, so even a person like me who is not good at biking can ride in Beijing.

Thus, I decided to buy an electric bike for my own sake. I thought I would feel much safer riding an electronic bike. I asked around and finally found a place that sold second-hand electronic bikes. I got one for 700 yuan which is around $100—it was originally 900 yuan, but I bargained.



[The very night I bought my electronic bike]


Although I bought an electronic bike, I didn’t dare thinking I would ride that on the actual road. I planned to ride it just on campus or very empty roads. I was really scared to go out to the roads. To me, the road outside of the campus was like a jungle: I believed that I would easily get killed.

Riding an electronic bike wasn’t as easy as I imagined too. I practiced every night on campus when there were no people. After practicing a week or so, I gained confidence and started to think: what if I go out to the jungle? I also thought it would be a waste if I didn’t ride it and use it more. I cannot forget the first day I went out with my electronic bike to the jungle. I rode it really slowly. I was scared by buses, cars, and even by pedestrians.









[The guy who fixes bikes on campus]

After few weeks, I became a puma or tiger (something likes that) of the jungle: There was no more fear in me. Now I go everywhere with my bike. From very faraway places to very close ones, I take my bike. There is no “walking distance” for me because I just bike everywhere. I don’t hesitate to ride on the roads with cars, and actually now I enjoy it. I enjoy also going against the current of traffic because it is very thrilling. I know I got to be more careful, because it is dangerous to bike in Beijing. I almost got killed few times, but luckily still alive.

One thing I realized is that a bicycle gives you freedom. I didn’t drive in the States so I didn’t know what driving a car feels like. Now I understand a little. I can go anywhere I wish. I don’t have to wait for people, bus, or anything. I like that part of riding a bike.

What I also realized is that there is actually an unspoken traffic law on the roads in China. I realized a set of rules that states what I can do and can’t do. The roads of Beijing first seem very frenetic and crazy, but actually everyone is so used to that messy traffic so they know what to do.



[This picture I took when I was on the bike]











[So cold!]




When I bike in the city, I feel like I am a true Beijinger. Beijing is truly bikers’ city. There are so many bikers on the roads. Also, there are so many masters of fixing bikes. There is an electronic bike shop near my school. I go there when my bike gets broken. I really get frustrated when my bike breaks because I cannot live without it. There was one time when I got really frustrated. The back wheel of my bike got broken badly that I thought there was no way to fix it. However, this magician, who is better than Harry, fixed my bike without any difficulty on the spot. I didn’t know that fixing a bike is a job that requires creativity. The repairman changed almost whole structure of my bike. He was really skilful. After looking at my bike’s broken back wheel for a second, he immediately thought of the solution. How many bikes would he have fixed in his life to know that? I was truly amazed by his magic.

[The biker carrying glasses]

I can say I am a good electronic biker. I am pretty good at it, and also good at taking people on the back of my bike. I provide comfortable rides to my customers. Some of you guys know that I am good at Mario Kart (I miss playing that), and I am using some of skills that I use in Mario Kart—of course, I am not using any super mushroom or mighty stars. When I feel depressed, I sometimes go out biking at night. I listen to my ipod and do “speeding”. You guys who are in the States will not understand how awesome riding an electronic bike is. It is really fun. I hope I can bring it back to Berkeley and ride it there.

This is it for today, and I hope I can upload the next one on the day of Christmas.

[My bike with newly bought gloves and Korean flag!]

To Live

The Story of You, Part 2.

Jay K.



[Me on the frozen lake in my school!]


Ep.23 To Live

We need a quick catch up because it’s been so long since I uploaded the last one. Actually, I wrote two more episodes in December, prior to this one. However, I decided to not upload that one until the time comes. It’s too confidential. Sorry. Anyway, now I have three episodes to upload, and please enjoy reading them.

Today I want to talk about something less personal; so I will talk about ideology this time. After all, I study political science; I like to talk about these stuffs. I always think that theory, a set of proposed principles, is essential for everything in our life. Theory is what shapes people’s thinking and behavior. That includes not only our political system, but also economic system, religious beliefs, and scientific researches. Ideology then consists of a systemic set of these theories. In my opinion, ideology is responsible for many things that happen in this world, from disastrous wars to glorious human progress; I know I am talking vaguely here, because I am talking about political science.




[For the Revolution!]

It is not surprising that China is ideologically different from America. You guys will all know that China is still a communist country unlike America or the rest of Western nation. However, you guys might know that how ideological difference is closely related to our daily life. What I’m saying is that manifestation of ideology is not something that only appears on the textbook or boring scholastic essay, but it is actually visible in our everyday life.

I will give you some examples that I encountered in real life. The first instance happened in my Chinese class. It is true that every single Chinese textbook has a chapter talking about love and relationships. My textbook isn’t an exception and we were learning a chapter about relationships. We were having a discussion in class about each person’s view on relationships and their own experiences. We asked our teacher about her view on relationship. My Chinese teacher, who is on her mid fifties and grew up her whole life in Beijing, answered to our question: “love? During my generation, it was revolutionary.” Revolutionary? I asked myself, how can love be revolutionary?

She explained further. She read one Russian communist literature during her youth and decided to be a single for her whole life. She wanted to be remained unmarried so that she could devote her life for the country and the mighty revolution. Today, Chinese young people of course do not think in this kind of mindset, but it is very interesting to know that only few decades ago this kind of mindset even existed.

[The Comrade Mao]

One day I was talking to my language partner. He is a sophomore and studies political science like me. He gives a lesson on Chinese politics to me and I introduce American politics to him. Recently we are both busy so not having these sessions. Anyway, one day he told me that he was looking forward to be a member of the Communist Party. He wasn’t joking at all. He wants to be a member because if you want to get into politics in China, that’s the only way. He understands well that the Party controls everything and sometimes it is not fair. However, it seems to me that he accepts the rule of game as long as he is able to play that game. He is willing to play the game of Chinese politics. He is also an enthusiastic proponent of the idea that China is not suited with western democracy. He firmly believes that China has to be governed by the current system.

I also talked about how many foreign websites and youtube videos are blocked in China. As I said above, ideology manifests itself in our daily life. Living many years in America, I forgot how each nation has its own ideology. I remember how I was shocked at ideological difference between Korea and the U.S. Now coming to China, I again realize there are ideological differences between nations and the gap between China and America is especially huge.

[The board that was wrriten during the Culture Revolution (in Qingdao)]

Few days ago I watched a Chinese movie. Many people recommended this movie and I bought the DVD few weeks ago but didn’t watch it for some reason. I finally watched it on Saturday evening.

The movie is called “To Live” or “活着” in Chinese. Karen, a Korean friend I met in China, actually decided to come to China after watching this movie. One of my Chinese friends, who studies film, also regards it as one of the best Chinese movies. The movie is about one family that struggles to survive throughout historical turmoil over four decades. Fu Gui’s family goes through the Chinese Civil War, Communists’ capture of the government, and the Cultural Revolution.

The movie narrates one’s life in a humorous and ironical way. Despite the ideological shifts and turbulences, Fu Gui and his family live on. The ideological shifts actually affect his life—it killed his only son and later only daughter—but he continues to live. The movie shows how China had been a really ideological different country few decades ago. It also shows that even in that radically different society, people are not much different. People still love their family; people still regret and make mistakes; people still forgive others; people still have hopes.

I know that ideology shapes how people think. I’m experiencing that phenomenon here. However, I also know that there are innate human natures that even ideology or theory cannot shape. I think that’s because all ideologies are also based on human nature.


[Yay!]

[the lake is frozen!!]

[people enjoying ice hockey on the lake]

[The time for graduation pictures!]