Jay K.
Ep.25 Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away.
It’s already the end of the year—arggg, I can’t believe it! In 11 days, it will be the year of 2009!! It is also the end of the semester which means some of my fellow EAP friends are leaving. Some of them are here for only a semester, and that semester is already over. I’ve known them since this summer. Although we didn’t hang out much this semester, I think I saw them at least once every other week.
I was too busy this semester—I guess every college student is busy every semester—so that I always didn’t go out to hang with them. Now I’m regretting. Some of us became really close; I didn’t think we would be this close in this short amount of time. Since we didn’t hang out much this semester, it means that we got really close during the summer, during that 10 weeks program. During that summer, we went to many trips together, and saw each other every morning for four hours in class.
I won’t lie. I will miss them. I will miss them a lot.
I just went to a farewell dinner last night. Noel, Courtney, Alice, and Helen were there. I didn’t talk much last night. I didn’t know what to say. I was just listening to other people. I was bored a little, but at the same time I was sad. I think the summer was long enough for us to get close with each other, but it wasn’t long enough for us to know each other really. It wasn’t at least for me. I sometimes regret that I don’t express myself enough. As you guys know, I am not a talkative guy. So people sometimes don’t know what I think. Because of that, I sometimes get mad at myself. I should’ve talked more.
There are so many words I didn’t say… so many words.
We went to a club after the dinner. I usually don’t go to a club or bar because I don’t drink and I get really tired after midnight. But, last night, I didn’t want to go home early, because it was the last chance to hang out with them in China. The club was extremely crowded—I am in China. The music wasn’t good, but I had fun. I really had fun.
On the way back to home, I was thinking about my first year in college. I remember the last day of the first semester. My floor was completely empty; everyone moved out. Now I think I was really shocked at that time. I can’t forget the image of the empty floor. I wasn’t sad because I would never see them again: I would see them again the next year. I was sad because that same year, that same floor would never exist again. I know how to express that feeling. It’s just that I really had fun during the first year and then I was really depressed about the fact that it would be never the same.
Now, I am used to saying goodbyes. But, last night, it was really hard to say goodbyes to them. I know I will see them again. I didn’t live with them a year like I did with my floormates, but still something just bothered me. So many memories with them! So many words I didn’t say! So much regrets! I think these made me hard to say goodbyes to them.
I guess I am writing stories because I regret. I told you this when I first started to write this essay (that was in May). I am writing this because I regret.
Let’s change the topic now. It’s a Christmas time again, although it’s not an official holiday in China, which means there is no Christmas in China. There are Christmas trees in the department store here and you can listen to carols but it’s just different. It really doesn’t feel like a Christmas here.
I really didn’t understand why people in the States start listening to Christmas carols around this time of year or even earlier. I wasn’t used to that when I first went to the States. But the same me who didn’t understand that last year, bought a Christmas carol CD yesterday. Christmas carols were just lingering around my ears so I couldn’t help myself buying them. I am listening to it right now as I am writing this episode.
My favorite carol is actually Last Christmas. I like that part, “Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away”. It’s a sad lyric, but I like the first part of that line.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
When was the last time I gave my heart to someone? I wonder. Did I ever give my heart to someone? I even wonder more. Whenever I listen to this song, I picture in my head a guy or a girl proposing to his or her special one. How romantic and cute is that? I don’t care if he gets rejected (actually that sucks), he at least expressed his heart. As I grow older, I realized it’s not good to be honest, especially when you like someone. But, at the same time, I just want to be honest and give my heart.
Why am I talking about Last Christmas out of nowhere? You know. I just regret that I didn’t express myself fully to my friends who are living very soon. Like the last night, I regret that I was so quiet whole night. It’s not just the last night, but whole time I was too quiet.
There is a Korean poem that I want to tell you guys. Its title is “I’m asking you”.
I’m Asking You by Ahn Do-hyun
Don’t discard the fire ashes so callously.
Have you ever been that passionate for someone else?
You might don’t understand because this poem is in Korean and my translation is not great, but I think you get the general picture. Give your heart. Don’t save it for one day that never comes. This Christmas, actually I am going to save myself from tears; I am going to give my heart to someone special.
Merry Christmas every one.
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