Why am I here?

The Story of You, Part 2.

Jay K.

[The train to Jiangxi Province]

Ep.37 Why am I here?

I am on this wobbling bus heading where I don’t know. I am on another EAP organized trip; it will actually be the last trip for our year program. I am on this random road that I would never come back to in my life. I don’t know if you guys understand what I mean by this. It is a feeling that I often have when I am on a trip. When I was travelling during the last summer, I walked through some small back streets of some random small cities in China. Walking on those roads, I wondered whether I would ever be here again in my life? Probably not.

Many experiences in China were like this. I will never have this kind of experience once I leave here. Now I have only 3,4 month left until I leave here, I started to think about some questions that I didn’t have when I first arrived here. When I first got here, I was so overwhelmed with new culture and environment that I couldn’t afford to think about these questions. One question that I am recently pondering on is this: why am I here?

[me]

[A beautiful scenary of Chinese countryside]

[Clothes of buddhist monks]

Few days ago, the word “yuanfen (缘分)” came up in the discussion in my Chinese class. In English, it can be translated into “destiny” or “fate”. It is a supernatural concept, which means things happened for a reason. For example, there is a reason why my mom met and married my dad who was just one of ten thousands guys in her school. There is also a reason why I met you guys and we became friends. My favorite translation for yuanfen is actually “meant to be”. It meant to be happened like that.

I usually think about this “yuanfen” when I make friends. I just run into some people coincidentally for no reason, which makes me to fee that we are just meant to be friends. But some friends, even if I make appointments to meet them, every time for some reason it doesn’t work out. Then, I just think it’s just not meant to be.

A. Park was just like that. He is my good friend from high school. He is a Korean and he came to the States 4, 5 months later than me. In my high school, there were only two Korean students (excluding Korean Americans). So it was a pretty big deal if a new student came from Korea or even nearby Korea such as Taiwan or Japan. I heard the news from my ESL teacher that one Korean guy from Korea came to our school and would take classes with us. I was very happy and really wanted to meet him, but every time I went to a classroom to meet him, he wasn’t there. For a whole week, I couldn’t see his face. At that time, I thought it wasn’t just meant to be. So I just stop looking for him. But, fortunately, it was the end of that week when I went to my church on Sunday and met this random looking dude. He was just Ave. We became a friend after.

[Jingdezhen, the place we went, is famous for making porcelins]

However, “yuanfen” is not only about between people and people, but is also about between people and place, job, or anything. I think I am meant to be a polisci major. When I was young, my grandma went to this Korean traditional fortuneteller. The fortuneteller told my grandma that I would become a great politician. At that time, I wanted to be a comic artist or writer. I thought that fortuneteller is a quack. But as I grow up, I became more and more interested in politics.

I am not superstitious or anything. I am an atheist. I don’t believe someone up there arranged these happenings, but I believe every meeting between people is special.

Now, let’s come back to my question: why am I here? “Here” I mean China. Am I just meant to be here? Why did I decide to come here in the first place?

I don’t remember why I decided that. To tell the truth, I even don’t remember when I decided that. I started to think about studying abroad in my first year of college. Actually, I started to think about it when I came to the campus orientation. During the orientation, I found out that there is such thing as studying abroad for the first time. After that, I decided to go studying abroad on my third year, and so naturally I decided to come to China.

[Rusty knief]


[Will this person who carved his name on the bamboo come back to here again?]

Why China? It isn’t easy to answer that question. It just became a fact that I was coming to China. I wasn’t into any of Chinese pop culture. Obviously, I am not a Chinese American who wants to know about my ethnic background. I am not a business person, so growing Chinese economy didn’t attract me at all. I didn’t have a Chinese girlfriend or something. I am also not a communist.

The only reason I can think of is the trip with my mom. It was 7 or 8 years ago. My mom took me to Japan when I was in the 7th grade, then she took me to China when I was an 8th grader. I guess she wanted to show me the world. She was also planning to send me to study abroad in China. That plan didn’t work out well but, she was seriously considering it. At that time, I didn’t know what “studying abroad” meant really. Then, I was just a typical Korean boy who spent his whole life in Korea. Studying in China sounded interesting to me at that time.

It was the cold winter when we came to Beijing. Back then, of course, I didn’t know that that trip would be the last trip that I would ever go on with my mom. I didn’t know that. The trip was fun even though I only remember parts of it. I remember the places we went. China was so huge to a 14-years-old boy who grew up in Korea for all of his life. I still remember walking through the Forbidden City and was amazed by the scale of that palace. I also remember the meals weren’t good except the last meal when we ate the Peking duck. I was young then. I couldn’t imagine that I would study Chinese and come back there 8 years later.

[I was speechless!]

Last night, we were on train and played games till 1 or 2 am. We started to ask some personal questions and one of the questions was: “who do you want to bring to China right now”. To be honest, I don’t have anyone particular I want to bring here. I thought of my dad, because he was supposed to come but decided not to come. I thought of Cindy. I thought of Danny, my best friend from high school. Nonetheless, I told everyone I want to bring my mom here right now, because I want to be with her. Oh, now I don’t want to write this.

Back to the question; I don’t think it’s because of my mom that I came to China. It’s just meant to be like that. It was just meant to be that my mom and I came to China 8 years ago; I was also just meant to be that I came here for studying abroad 8 years from that trip. I don’t know if you guys know what I mean by this.

It’s so weird. Eight years ago, I visited the Summer Palace, one of the famous tourist sights in Beijing. At that point, I didn’t think I would ever come back to that place again. But eight years later I visited there again. As I was walking around the lake of the Summer Palace last summer, I just realized I was on that exact spot eight years ago with my mom. It’s so weird, isn’t it?

I am sorry for you guys and for myself that I cannot give a conclusive answer for this question. I don’t know why I am here. It can have many reasons, or it can have no reason. I should be satisfied with the answer that I was just meant to be here.






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